ATTN: EVERYONE

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

This is your regular medical briefing because some of us still believe in government transparency! :D :D :D

Three news bulletins:

1. So it looks like the Sampire has been repodded. Please welcome our new head of medical, Dr. Faiza Hussain! She's now the person who gets to deal with us, keep us in line, and try to explain the logic behind not using a red cross as a logo because I'm seriously not getting it, man. Is it a copyright issue? Because AFAIK 21st century copyright laws got Ohmified and by that I mean deaded.

2. If you don't present for your physical evaluation, we're going to hunt you down. You can't run. You can't hide. You can only surrender. So do it.

3. WE DISSECTED A SHRIKE AND IT WAS AWESOME. And by awesome I mean freaky because it turns out the thing is still partially alive. The brain was still receiving messages from an external source, leading to increased temperature, trace amounts of blood flow and oh yeah, brain activity. Reminder: this thing was frozen and dead when we started taking it apart. What this signal is or what it is does, and how much danger us noble dissectors were in when we did it, is up to Neuropathy to decide.

So this is your takeaway message: even if an Ohm shrike is dead, it still has an active part of its brain responding to some sort of remote signal.

CREEPY, RIGHT?

This has been your learning moment for the day. If anyone wants to see my incredibly detailed lab notes on the dissection process, including drawings of the Ohm and of Godzilla stomping on NYC, pop on by and I promise to be 50% less of a jackass to you as I usually am. Because science is cool.

Peace out.

Comments

[facepunching]

You will be the first on my list.

[thebestoffense]

i think my body is pretty different? no offense and i'm sorry, but i just don't really trust you guys quite so much.

[couldputitback]

I'm sorry, Volanz. It is Volanz, yes?

The fact that your body is pretty different is the reason why we need to see you for an examination. If you were to be injured, we need to know how to treat you.

I promise, it's a very simple and painless physical.

[thebestoffense]

i do not really understand how seeing me okay is going to make anybody know what to do with me when i'm not?

[couldputitback]

Because we don't know you. We don't know what the necessary baselines are for your species. Blood pressure, skin tone, regular body temperature. All the things that you take for granted are new to us. If something were to happen to you, if you were injured, we need to know what's normal for you so that we don't make things worse through not understanding.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Oh, trust issues. That's a new one. Not.

Look, if I can wear a plastic gown and sit on a cold table for a physical exam, you damn well can too.

[thebestoffense]

or i could just keep being alive on my own? i am actually pretty okay at it!

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Dude, if you use a passive-aggressive question mark one more time at me, I will find you and put Drano in your cereal.

No ifs, ands or buts, physical evals are mandatory. I didn't make the rules, I just get to look like the bad guy.

[thebestoffense]

there is nothing passive aggressive about my use of question marks?

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Get over here.

And bring your cereal.

[thebestoffense]

i don't intend to do that. i also don't know what cereal is?

i am actually serious about the question marks? i know you humies don't understand it so i will say it is just pretty much a troll thing that is super important.

i can't type the way i am used to on this device? for example my words would all actually be red right now but i can't make it work. i just have to stick with the parts that i can still do.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Crack a dictionary.

Yeah, I'm serious about the question marks too. They either make you look like a douchebag or a valley girl.

Thank you to your ignorance for not searing my eyes.

[thebestoffense]

none of this is actually convincing me that it is important to voluntarily be around you.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

You don't have to around me. You can be around my much nicer coworkers.

[thebestoffense]

that would be better i guess.

i did not put any question marks in this message and i did it because you asked, by the way.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Thanks. I can feel my sense of rage dialing down fifteen percent already.

I'll set you up with Sakura. She's nice but no-nonsense. Or Faiza, maybe, since she respects weird culture stuff.

[thebestoffense]

it is kind of a nice change i guess. i am just not used to anybody wanting to know more things about me than maybe what my name and my blood are. it is pretty weird and has been happening a lot lately.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Your culture's weird.

Yeah, it's this stuff we call 'community'. I think it's pretty bullshit but whatever.